what’s on my mind
Note: This part of the newsletter has a lot to do with mental health, including discussion of anxiety/rumination/obsessive thoughts. Feel free to skip to the next section if you’re not up for that!
There’s this phenomenon that I think most authors can attest to experiencing, where anywhere from a few days to a few weeks after publishing a book, there’s this massive emotional crash. Some call it the post-pub comedown, but I think of it as the womp-wompness. And honestly, it sucks butts.
It makes sense. There’s this big thing that you’ve been working toward for literally years, and then it finally happens! It’s a big deal, and people treat it as such. But then they move on to the next big deal thing. The publicity requests fizzle out. The social media tags are fewer and fewer. Your baby is no longer a buzzy new release, but just another book on the shelf, equally worthy of attention as its neighbors. The excitement dwindles and it’s almost like it was all a fever dream that you’ve woken up from and now you have to get back to real life. Back to work so you can hopefully do it all again.
I’ve been fortunate enough to publish two books so far, and therefore have now experienced this feeling twice. To be very honest, it’s been a lot harder this second time. Part of that is that Mrs. Nash’s Ashes had a rather unconventional journey, where right as things started to slow down with it we got really lucky with some major publicity hits and suddenly sales were booming again. It did a lot to alleviate that womp-wompness I was starting to feel. But so far Happy Medium is following a more traditional trajectory, where the first week of sales was the highest and each subsequent week the trend line extends downward.1 Instead of getting a reprieve, I’ve had to just… sit with the comedown this time around. I’ve done what I can to make it easier on myself—including my current Instagram hiatus2—but it’s still rough. Because of my various brain quirks, my more unpleasant thoughts tend to loop or spiral, especially so over the last month or two. Which means that, while sometimes I can momentarily remember that this is all normal and fine, I’m more often convinced that I’ve absolutely failed and have no future in this business.
“I’m feeling really in my head right now,” I told my agent the other week when we had a brainstorming call about the project I’m hoping will be Book 4. “Sales numbers are falling and I’ve stumbled upon too many negative reviews and every time I try to write I doubt every choice I make.”
First she told me it was okay to rest if I needed to, not to force it. (Always good advice.) But she also said, “Based on my experience with my other clients, I think that two books is the worst number of books to have out in the world.”3 And I thought yes, I can absolutely believe that.
Because when you are a debut author, you can tell yourself stories about what will happen or is happening, but they’re not based on much except rumor and guessing. When you’re doing it all for the second time, you have just enough knowledge to convince yourself that the stories you’re telling yourself are the absolute truth. And so much of it comes down to comparison. Instead of comparing yourself to other authors (which is also something that’s bound to make you feel worse more than it makes you feel better), you’re comparing to yourself. And everyone else is too. With a debut, people scramble for comps to explain what the experience of reading you is like. Mostly it’s positive. Sometimes it’s extremely flattering! Me, similar to Emily Henry?? Thank you so much!! But with a second book, the tone shifts. Reviews are less likely to focus on Is this a good book on its own merit? and more likely to address the question of Does this live up to the expectations I now have for this author’s work? If someone is going to compare Happy Medium to another book, it’s almost always going to be Mrs. Nash’s Ashes. And I mean, SAME. That’s exactly what I’m doing when I compare my sales data or my Goodreads averages or the numbers of copies stocked at my local B&N. I’ve been stuck in a cycle of comparing me to myself, and finding myself lacking.
It is not fun! I do not enjoy it! I should stop! But I can’t. Because something in my brain tells me that if I just find the exact right data or perspective or something, maybe I will finally feel better in a way that sticks. That the womp-wompness will recede forever. Even though I know from experience that’s never actually worked for me, with this or any other story I can’t seem to stop telling myself.
My agent sharing that post-pub after book 2 is often a worse experience for authors, that it isn’t just me struggling because of some inherent flaw in myself, was extremely validating and helpful. It was enough to give me some perspective back, to remind me that two is temporary. This is the only time I will have to deal with having two books published. Because next summer it will be three. And hopefully then four.
But first I have to put in the work. I have to sit down and revise and write and revise and write again (but a synopsis this time, gross) and just do the thing. That’s the only thing in my control. Doing the work.
So I’m doing it. Even when I doubt myself. Even when it’s hard. Because two is a lonely number, but four, five, six, seven, eight? More? Baby, now that’s a party. One I very much want to throw and invite you all.
book stuff
I’ll be chatting with the wonderful Ashley Poston about her latest, A Novel Love Story, on Wednesday at East City Bookshop! In-person tickets are sold out but you can still get your copy and join us virtually!
I just signed a new shipment of both Happy Medium and Mrs. Nash’s Ashes at Curious Iguana. If you’re in the area, pop in and grab a copy, or order online (HM / MNA) to have one personalized (personalization requests go in the order notes at checkout) and sent to you directly.
I also recently signed two copies of Happy Medium at the Winchester Book Gallery in Winchester, VA, and a single copy of both of my books at Four Seasons Books in Shepherdstown, WV. (These were a week or two ago so may be best to call before heading out there to make sure they’re still in stock!)
what we’re reading at our house
me - Uncertain Magic by Laura Kinsale
H - City of Stairs by Robert Jackson Bennett; One Night Only by Catherine Walsh
me & H together - Unraveled by Courtney Milan
h - WOMBATS! Go Camping by Maddie Frost
what i’m listening to on repeat
“Cryptoad” - Man Man
you should check out
Man Man’s new album, Carrot on Strings. Hell, all of Man Man’s music in general. It’s wildly varied and weird and silly and surprisingly deep and all the things I adore and strive for in life. Same with Mister Heavenly and the Honus Honus solo album; I love everything that comes from Ryan Kattner’s brain tbh!
YA author Alexa Donne has a great video on sales trends that I highly recommend for newer authors/anyone who is just curious!
I really love interacting with other authors and readers on Instagram but I have to tell you that when I’m burnt out or in my feelings it’s a lot like spending time in a haunted house with people dressed as failure and comparison and rudeness jumping out when I least expect them and making me pee myself a little. Being away during this time has been very good for me.
Obviously, zero is worse if your goal is to be a published author, but that’s not what we were talking about, so.